Friday, July 21, 2006

And the Countdown to Sept 20 Begins...

I have realized that I have been rambling about a lot of non-personal stuff lately. It is like I don't have anything to share about myself and it is not that I haven’t had any new wonderful things happening to me in the last few days or even weeks other than movies I have watched or TV shows I religiously glue my eyes on or the fact that I have been busy with work and other not worth mentioning things. I guess this is just me saying that I am still here but I’m not ready to open up or even share stories pertaining to me with other people portraying my character. This tabloid-like site of mine is waning… (FYI, I just had my 3,000th reader this week) this should stop.

I am wondering what made me stop writing about the beauty that there is in life. With my birthday coming up in 2 months plus my entrance in my 3rd cycle of life I should make all my decisions wisely. Based on Mr. Mart’s reading I am a person who prioritized happiness in everything, he said I don’t care about material things. For me it’s a good thing - I am not materialistic and I don’t care about things that money can buy but in the real essence of it all, Mr. Mart said that it leads me to a very low motivation on other things in life. I lack ambition (that’s what he told me)… I am content with my life and that I don’t have that much plan for the future. I guess in some ways he’s right. I really don’t know what to do, I am just here staring at an empty space. What he told me opened my eyes a little (hehehe not fully) I guess I should really start planning what to do with my sleepwalking and slacking. He saw that my travel line is deep, he even saw me prospering and living in another country far from here and in his verbatim words:”dun ka na lulubugan ng araw”.

Going back to my upcoming birthday, eto na naman… birthday jitters. You know not just because age will add - for me it doesn’t matter but what bothers me a lot is that I still don’t feel that I have spent my 26th year, I still don’t feel that I have done something remarkable that would make me remember my 26th year or the other past years of my life. All I have are lots of rants, few regrets, tons of pride and gazillions of cluelessness. I am as always lost, you know how you would see in movies that the world revolves, everyone moves back & forth and ironically I am in the middle immobile while a big clock ticks double time nearby.

Will this feeling lead to the fact that again I have wasted another year? As I look back the only thing worth remembering from last year was Mickey Mouse and my niece marching down the PICC halls. With this seemingly natural born loser life of mine I cannot help but track what was it that made me truly happy last year. There was one, a day that made me happy for a whole 5 minutes but then a loud thud awakened my dreamy state with lots of contradictions, confusion and questions. But I still love Thursdays if it’s any consolation.

I still have 2 great months to plan my next cycle. Mr. Mart said that the first couple of years would lead the path as to what my 3rd 9 years would be. I must travel or live outside my comfort zone. I’m a big girl, I can do this. With my family & friends praying for me, the past doesn’t matter anymore. So what If my 26th year didn’t made a mark on anybody’s world? I sure know I was able to make some people happy and important. I know that I have made something special for someone. I know that for others I have achieved more that I think I did.

6 comments:

daei said...

oo naman.

and why feel that way... you may not know it but there are people around you na napasaya mo...

making someone smile, and giving happiness to others is merely an accomplishment...

dont think that you didn't make a mark... coz you did...

in some ways or another... this year has been significant to you... di ba?

cheer up anne!

see you soon!

Anne said...

thanks daei!

Jenny said...

Anne, you made a mark in my life. I'll forever cherish the friendship we have. Thank you for being one of the bestest friends. Luv yah sis!

niQ said...

Dont think like that. Someone somewhere is thinking right now that for one minute, or one hour, or one day that you spent in your 26th year, your life and everything you did within was worthwhile. :)

Anne said...

@ jen, thanks sister! i know i know :) nagsesenti lang ako that my vision & memory got blurred - i forgot abt the thousand adventures & misadventures we did. thanks for reminding me.

Anne said...

@ niq, thanks monique! nagdradrama lang po - you know when numbers all add up minsan di totoo yung age are but numbers, you tend to look at the quality of life you lived din while stuck in that abyss.