Reflection

I was about to just account the details of my Vancouver trip, the usual, it was for business and I was there to do a job. I wasn’t able to even have a decent tour because it rained most afternoons and if it doesn’t I was inside the conference hall doing my work. It was my first “more than 5 hours” trip, a major travel if you know what I mean. It was in North America for crying out loud. I was decided to tell the trip in the same manner that I do all the time until something changed my mind.

On the flight going home I watched We Bought A Zoo, it was on the plane’s entertainment channel. I was crying the whole time mid end of the movie to the tune of Sigur Ros’ Hoppipolla. I was crying to Matt Damon. I don’t know why at first. It could be because I was touched by the story, I miss my family, I miss my husband.

I tried not to be too emotional then it struck me, how often do we have those 20 seconds of embarrassment to have the courage flow? How often do we let ourselves go out there, make a crazy adventure, say something stupid and just act foolish? Honestly the answer, well my answer is zero. I always had it calculated. I always have a plan, not just A but up to Z.

Most of us didn’t have our normal emotional childhood, this is not about our literal childhood but the normal stages we have to go through to have the emotional adulthood. It is not being immature but something to do with emotional preparedness. We often deny ourselves of some random act of rolling with the punches, we always make sure that we thought about things and before we even commit an act we already know what the aftermath is. I often would question the word “aftermath” in these situation since they didn’t happen after but before.

I may not make any point (as always) here but what I want to happen is for me to give in to things that are not heavily thought of. That I should give to a little foolishness once in a while to see what would the real aftermath be.

So what I’m basically telling myself here is to let loose, what’s bound to happen will happen and as Matt Damon said in the movie, when you fall in love, real hard it is once in a life time. When you feel something strong towards something – be it for your career, your plan for the day or even what your heart is telling you to tweet about and write in your blog, GO FOR IT!

I like my job but I don’t see myself retiring to it. I have ups & down here and there with regards to it but I get by. But after crying a lot because of it I have decided to do it as long as I’m okay and the minute I’m not I will walk out. If I was asked yesterday if this is a possibility I’ll say no because I still have a lot of responsibility and I cannot lose this job yet but hell, I will find a new one. It may not be something as high paying but it’ll be something I love and loves me back.

I want to have a massage when I arrive in Manila, I’ll go I will not feel guilty about it anymore (this is a different story reserved for later). And if I want to tweet that you, yes you, are a fool not to talk to me, your one true friend who cares for you and actually loves you then I will (or maybe I already did).

We live in a world of uncertainties, I could be dead in a few days or while aboard this plane (knock on wood), we’ll never know. So it is okay to loosen up, let down some guard, remove the tight hair bun and let the wind blew it. It’s okay to cry, be depressed but at least talk to a friend. It is okay to be a cynic but don’t make it a living. It is okay to cry, it is okay to laugh, it is okay to let go. It is okay to open up, hit the ground but get up. It is okay to be disappointed, but don’t give up. It is okay to rely on someone, it won’t make you less of a independent person that you already are. It is okay to be turned down, you can try the second up to gazillionth time. It is okay to fail, the world won’t end because of it. There’s a time and place for everything.

My hubby and I would talk about it most of the time, how we’re not in a rush to start a family but it would be a bonus if we get one early on our marriage. How every period feels like a miscarriage but we console ourselves with the fact that the big guy up there still would want us to go to Europe first and have fun. We talked about how I really miss my best friends. He said absence makes the heart grow fonder and because I love them I let them use their wings to fly. We talked about me being a control freak. And it make sense, it took Matt Damon to make me remove my bun and helmet in the form of denial.

Today as I write this on the very flight that would bring me back to reality I made a decision, that upon ground arrival I will be the coolest version of me. I will let loose, I will let go, I will love more and I will live my life because a great man gave up his for me – for all of us. He took my cross from me so there is no reason to feel a heavy load.

Today, I will not feel guilty or be thrifty with the way I live. Today I will be happy no matter what. I will be more accepting, more understanding, more forgiving.

This is the day I am reborn.

Make this holy week holiday a time for reflection. Rest, lift it up to God and free your mind.